When Life (or Your Inner Self) Feels Messy

Photo by Bernard Hermant on Unsplash

I was thinking about my tombstone the other day.

I decided I wanted it to say “Mary’s voice carries”, because besides being a funny inside joke between my husband and I, it kind of sums up my life in accurate and embarrassing ways.

Here’s the scoop. Mary is my legal first name so it shows up on documents like rental contracts. And I was once chided by an apartment property manager about the volume of my lovely (loud) speaking voice with those words - “Mary’s voice carries.” It’s the kind of phrase that sticks.

I decided the other day that I could turn that whole thing around. In fact, I wanted to be the kind of person whose voice carries--in the spiritual sense. Someone who’s not afraid to speak up and to carry a message of hope. In fact, put it on my tombstone, I said!

Then my husband reminded me that I wanted to be cremated and the words might not fit on my urn. And when someone says “your urn” it kind of makes you wonder if they’ve picked one out already?

I thought more seriously about what my little urn might say, what might sum up a life. The word that popped up immediately was “redeemed.”

You see, I’ve been in a season where I’ve been falling hard onto the grace of God over and over again over my weaknesses, my struggles, and how they affect the people I love the most.

What could define a Christian life more than “redeemed”? In one word it says that I was not enough on my own but that there was an answer to meet my lack.

Isaiah 44:22 says, “I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you.” (cue tears)

I find that my life is simply a series of humble pleas to the Father:

Even this, God?

I know I’m forgiven. I know I’m loved. But can you take this…mess…and make something good of it?

Does your grace reach far enough for this one?

And I like to think he says with a smile, “Even this.

Because the calculations were completed long ago, and the price for all of my screw ups was paid. It’s a forgone conclusion.

The onus is on us to receive it, to apply the salve and move forward, knowing we have been weak, broken, and humbled, knowing we had to be rescued because we couldn’t make it on our own.

Isn’t it funny though, how when we are knocked off our high horses we find ourselves most free, most confident? Because the weight of ourselves is not on our shoulders anymore. It’s not about our performance. It’s just about grace. A gift we can’t earn. Don’t deserve.

It’s ridiculous and lavish this process of redemption. It continues even now. And every day going forward.

Is there an area of your life that’s in need of redemption? Not fixing. Not perfecting. Just a pouring out of grace and forgiveness and holy cleansing?

God is saying to you “even this.” I’ve got this.

Take a few moments to write down or speak out loud your challenge and then invite God's abundant grace in.