Helping Kids Through Transitions

Originally appeared on For the Mama Heart

My husband and I were sitting at the beach watching our children play on what felt like a near-perfect, cloudless day. Despite the beautiful surroundings, it was clear one child was out of sorts, grumpy, and picking fights with the others. My husband expressed frustration, as I have often done, over how easily she breaks down at the smallest offenses.

“She’s in transition,” I reminded him. It was my light-hearted way of saying she’s going through puberty and is going to experience ups and downs she has little control over.

“Will she turn into a butterfly?” he asked with a grin.

And that, my friends, is just about the most perfect illustration I’ve ever heard for a pre-teen.

The most challenging times for our families are often when our children are going through transitions. One of the biggest ones is becoming a teen, when they are adjusting to new bodies, new awareness about themselves and their peers, and plenty of new hormones that are far from regulated. But it is also true for kids who are managing other stressors, such as starting distance learning, attending a new school, welcoming a baby to the family, or dealing with social pressures.

It is like they’ve been tossed into a vigorous washing machine cycle but are still being asked to stay upright, to focus, and to contribute to the family in meaningful ways. Some days it is too much to ask. That is when breakdowns, meltdowns, and disrespect most often occur.

How can we help them navigate times of transition so that they come out stronger, more resilient, and more in touch with us and the love of Jesus?

Respond with compassion

When kids are overreacting to situations, it is difficult to stay calm. But they need our peace and our compassion to lead the moment. While they can’t be allowed to rule the house or treat others with disrespect, they need much grace and forgiveness as they navigate the new parameters of their lives. In fact it is the perfect time to help them become more aware of themselves and how their actions affect the people around them.

Find a quiet moment to talk through these things. Give them insight into how their bad days can spill over onto the family and what healthy things they could do to manage them. Talk to them about asking for forgiveness and reconciling when their actions have offended others.

Help them take responsibility

If our children are to become mature, they will need to learn how to take personal responsibility for their emotions and behaviors. As we give them compassion for their struggles, we should also allow them to experience the natural consequences of their choices. It is tempting to want to rescue them from their hurts and mistakes, but that doesn’t enable them to grow in the ways they need. It is more loving to support them as they wrestle their way into mature, wise, and Godly adults who can handle tough times.

Listen well

Let us keep in mind that God’s intention for these difficult times is not for us to grow apart relationally but to grow together into a parent/child team that will continue to have relationship for many years to come. If we stick close to our kids, we will emerge on the other side more connected and able to relate to one another even better. One of the best ways to do that is to listen well, and not interrupt or instruct at every opportunity. After all, we are becoming more like peers to them all the time. When we listen well, we show them respect, and also model how to be a good friend.

Point them to Jesus

We have wisdom to share and we love to share it with our children. What they need even more is a personal connection with Jesus that will sustain them for the rest of their lives. They need to develop a habit of going to Him first. One way we can facilitate that is to continually point our children toward Him. When they come to us with a struggle, we can respond with, “Let’s talk to God about that” or “Have you prayed about that yet?” This is not just pointing them to Him but leading by example, living out our own faith in front of them.

It is painful to watch our children struggle but such a joy when they emerge triumphant, more capable, and more connected to us and the Lord. If your child is in transition, take some time to pray through your concerns and ask for wisdom. God is as invested in their personal growth as we are.