Owning Our Imperfections

Originally appeared on For the Mama Heart

I will never forget sitting on the carpet with a friend as she cradled her newborn and talked about her difficult childhood, her lack of spiritual upbringing, and the mistakes she had made in the past. She cried over her baby, afraid she would not be able to give her what she needed to make it in the world.

“I’m starting at less than zero,” she said. “I don’t feel I have anything to offer her.”

Regardless of our childhood experiences, I believe many of us believe the same, that there is a tremendous weight on our shoulders to raise our children well, yet in various ways we are lacking. Either we don’t know enough, or we are so stymied by our personal hang ups that we might ruin our children.

We wonder how this parenting thing is going to turn out. When my children are grown, will their lives say I have succeeded or failed? Or we could boil it down to the heart of the matter—Am I good enough?

I spent many of the early years of motherhood agonizing over this last question without realizing it. I was furiously reading books and the internet, seeking the best way to handle each aspect of feeding, caring, disciplining. I may have learned some things along the way, but I felt insecure. And I was constantly exhausted, because I was relying entirely on my own strength.

As my kids enter the teen years and the stakes seem to grow higher, I realize that my primary problem in those early years wasn’t my imperfections. My problem was that my questions were all wrong. The results of my parenting were never about how good I was. As it turns out, God knows the full condition of my heart and mind. He always meant for me to fall on his grace. He intended to fill in the gaps in my life and motherhood. He created a plan to make me strong in the places where I am weak. In that sense, it’s not about what we have to offer our children, but how willing we are to submit ourselves to God’s way of living and parenting.

None of is perfect, but none of us is starting at zero either. We have the perfect Father to lead us.

So what do we do with our imperfections when we so badly want to raise children who are emotionally healthy followers of Jesus?

Forgive ourselves.

I can honestly say I have done my best as a parent, but every day I am still a sinner saved by grace teaching other sinners saved by grace. It’s going to feel messy at times, and we are going to make mistakes. I have to forgive myself for my own humanity, for being in the middle of my own journey while parenting my children. None of us can change that fact, but we have to know that God knew what He was doing when He put this plan into place. He’s not surprised by our weaknesses (Heb. 4:15).

Ask for forgiveness.

Since we have established that we will not get everything right, when we have sinned against our children we must ask for their forgiveness, as many times as necessary. This act models Christ-like humility and restores right relationship with them.

Recognize that we are raising unique individuals.

It is easy for us to forget that our children will be different from us and that they will have to choose their own way as they mature. We cannot control them into being Christians. And we must instruct them in the ways God has for them to go, not in our ways. Recognizing this fact enables us to release our children from expectations and brings freedom into the relationship.

Pursue our own healing.

Although we are imperfect, we shouldn’t choose to stay as we are now. Each of us should continue our journey of personal spiritual growth, letting go of the things that entangle us and moving forward in emotional health (Heb. 12:1). It takes times and perseverance but the healthier we become, the healthier our relationships can become as well.

Bring others along to help us.

Instead of isolating ourselves, we can reach out to others in our community who have strengths we do not possess. When we humbly bring others in and receive from them it only enriches our lives and our children’s lives. Many hands will make the work lighter and more enjoyable.

Fall on the grace of God.

And when all is said and done, we must lift our children to God in prayer and fall on his grace, asking him to make the rough places smooth. (Isa. 45:2) We must face the fact that we need his help, daily.

Knowing that perfection is not a goal but an idol in our lives can give us a measure of freedom and helps us relinquish our striving for “goodness”. What is a viable goal is to lead our children through each obstacle we tear down in our own lives, and along the way teach them what it means to be humble, what it means to take every thing to the cross, what it means to lean on his understanding, and what it means to forgive and seek forgiveness. That is an authentic Christian life after all, one that begins at the moment of salvation and isn’t complete until we reach heaven.

Mamas, it is time for us to take off the heavy load of imperfection. We are never going to be enough in our own strength, but we have a heavenly Father who is. Finding peace in our motherhood comes in accepting that we will make mistakes and we will have to forgive ourselves. And on the other side of that isn’t ruined children, it is children who know real relationship with us and with the Father. What could be better than that?